Happy

I have woken up feeling happy more than once this week. The exciting thing is that it wasn't that forced "I'm going to face the world and fake it 'till I make it" happy, or the mischevious "I'm ready to cause some trouble" kind of happy. It was a genuine sense of "I'm ok with my life" excitement that I haven't experienced for at least 16 months. It has been nice to get reacquanited with this part of me. I'm not as worried about offending people or what they will think of me. It's nice... and relaxing... and fun... I just hope this feeling stays for a good, long while.

Social Awkwardness

Yesterday Janet hosted a dinner for people from her ward and friends and such. As always, the food was spectacular and a good time was had by most. I say most because I had several moments of uncomfortableness. I have gone on one date with Janet's hometeacher Mike (who has been code named Cuatro), and had a non-descript time, which is not a good time or a bad time, it was simply that we passed time in polite but unmemorable conversation. For me it was disappointing because good stories do not come from bland dates.

 So what happened to make me uncomfortable, complete and total social awkwardness. I shall tell you! I was sitting with Melinda and a group of her friends on blanket arranged like so.

I was facing into the circle so I could see everyone because I don't like not seeing people when I talk to them. We were having a fantastic conversation about life and exectations and disappointment when Mike came over and crouched down in my blind spot like so.

It was a horrible position. I had to turn my head more than 45 degrees to see him, and it was a painful position to hold for any period of time, and since we were in the middle of sharing our thoughts it was a bad time for him to expect my attention. So I said "Hi" but continued in my conversation. He crouched there for a few minutes, saying little and then walked away before there was a lull in the topic. After he had moved away Melinda, who had a clear view of him, commented about how dissappointed he looked about things. Of course I felt a pang of regret that he felt bad, but had no interest in doing anything to give him hope that we could have a relationship. (Believe me, he's not the one for me...)

But what really went wrong? First was his seating selection. He sat "next" to me but not within my field of vision. This required me to end eye contact with everyone except him if I was look at him as I spoke to him. For it to be comfortable, I would have had to turn my body around completely and then turn my back on the people I was already talking to. He could have avoided this if he had either sat closer to Melinda so he would be in my line of sight or sat by Kris so he would be directly across from me. But he didn't do that, did he...

Second, he stayed outside of the conversation, giving the appearance that he wanted to separate me from the herd so to speak. I found this threatening because in my mind he wanted to cut me off from one conversation and monopolize me in a conversation with only him, which would have been the typical polite blandness I so detest. He didn't stay long enough to introduce himself or be introduced, and made a few comments of agreement before he wandered off dejected.

It was awful and will probably haunt me for a while more, but hopefully someone can learn from my experience... I just don't know what they'd learn...

Camping vs. Sleeping in Tents

For years I have been reading LDSMingle profiles of men who say they enjoy camping. Until this week, I didn't realize what that meant. Camping is not simply sleeping in a tent, it's the process of packing up stuff to go into the wilderness and then stay at a campsite and do campy things. I don't think I had ever done this until Girls Camp this year, and I don't like it.

What have I done my whole life? I have slept in tents at campgrounds near places of interest. For example I slept in a tent in the Black Hills and from there explored Jewel Cave, Mt. Rushmore, Wind Cave, the Mammoth Dig Site and a variety of other places. I've slept in a tent at Gettysburg and toured the battle field. I've slept in tents across the state of Wisconsin and toured places of historic interest along with a few tourist traps and drooled outside a bakery I never ate any delicious pastries from.

I am not opposed to sleeping in a tent, but the idea of staying near the tent the entire time with breaks to go on hikes and let nature soak into my soul is just not my idea of a good time. I'm glad I understand the difference, it makes me a better educated Internet dater... Yay me...

A Guilty Pleasure or is it Happiness in Purest Form?

Last night I stayed up until 3:00AM reading a book. It has been ages since I did that, and I didn't even know I missed it. When I was young, summer was for reading, and I can remember sitting in the mulberry trees with a book for long spans of time. 

I have missed that part of me. In Taiwan I remember rejoicing in typhoons that seemed to be scheduled in conjunction with Harry Potter book release dates just for me. Typhoon days allowed my new book to consume every minute of my time without having a distraction like work pull me away. The fact that I have learned to stop reading in order to work is a big step for me since I can remember turning in semi-finished assignments in elementary school just to get back to a good book.

I've imprisoned that part of me somewhere deep sometime along the way. I was always too unscheduled for my own good and spent life lost in typed pages. But look how far I've come! I have spent most of the summer at my desk diligently working through an anthropology class and planning expeditions and working on girls camp. All are things I do well, but when I don't have moments planned, I avoid books because I know that once distracted I don't get back on track until the last word is read.

That is what happened last night at 8:00PM when I sat down to read for only a few minutes before bed like a responsible adult. I was already disobeying my own direct orders of "only read fun books on Sunday," a plan contrived to keep me on track and productive. But as my relationship with the characters of These is my Words developed and I got wrapped up their hopes and dreams and sorrows and I developed my own desires for their outcomes I couldn't pull myself away until I simply couldn't see the words and had to rest my eyes.

I woke up four short hours later with the characters and their situations on my mind, so I picked that book back up and finished those last 50 pages. After I cried over the beautiful conclusion and thought about how that story relates to my story and the pieces of me I see in the characters I thought, "A book that sucks you in to the point where you miss it when you have to pause for such menial tasks as eating is one of the greatest joys in life." I have missed that kind of joy for what seems ages, and I'm so glad I got to experience it again in spite of what might have been the more responsible decision.

Farewell Facebook!

I deactivated my Facebook account Friday night. Why? Well, there was this guy I met online a while ago. We were emailing and texting and then about two weeks ago we became Facebook friends. But a week later he unfriended me and I haven't heard from him since. What went wrong? Heck if I know! And honestly I don't have enough self-esteem to find out. In fact, the reality that I don't know provides a comfort that really knowing what went wrong can't. Instead I'm just going to let me imagination run with it.

And where has my imagination gone? To Facebook of course. All online matchmaking services tell you to be careful about people you meet online. As a result, I run extensive ongoing background checks on the men I start talking with. I google names, places of employment, and anything else that I feel will help me acquire a better understanding of who the person is and confirm that they are being honest and safe or dangerous. Having access to Facebook is awesome because Facebook provides a wealth of information about the character of a person. You can learn about their families, friends, interests, and lots of other stuff. It is the mother load of data, which brings an indescribable warmness to my engineering soul.

In that case, what's the problem? Well, the problem in my imagination is that the difference between "She's trying to find out more about me," and "She's a stalker," is just a matter of perspective. And let's face it, past experiences and fear is always a safer and more popular route to pick than hope and trust. So, if he has that app (or whatever it is) and can see that I'm looking around for information, and perhaps a family member mentions I'm looking around at their profiles too, it's not hard to connect the dots to paranoia. Goodness knows I don't have the time or energy to be a true stalker, but how would he know that?

I can't confirm that this is really what happened, and I can't change the fact that the person I really enjoyed talking to is no longer talking to me. But, I can end my relationship with Facebook so maybe I can avoid this from happening in the future.

The Tale of 4 or 5 Pencil Sharpeners...

My kids have been through a gazillion pencil sharpeners this year. Okay, okay... It's been 4... maybe 5... Let's count!

Sharpener #1 - X-Acto School Pro

Purchased in August, this bad boy lasted maybe until October. The kids loved it though. Electric is so much cooler than manual.

Sharpener #2 - Stanford Giant

Once the electric died, I decided to go with an old fashioned on. This was my choice because it was in my closet of left over stuff from when Garey was teaching with me. It lasted until Mid-January.

At this point I was pencil sharpener-less. We went through several handhelds, and there was pencil shrapnel all over the floor. This distressed me greatly. Finally, someone found an extra in the shed or something.

Sharpener #3 & #4 X-Acto KS

We went through two of these in less than a month. The first one died due to miss-use. Colored pencils and pencil sharpeners are not good friends. The gears got gummed up to the point of no repair. The second one lost it's handle within a week and could not be put back together again.

After #4 went, I was done! I was not buying another sharpener until I had done enough research to know it was reliable and would stand the test of at least the rest of the school year. So, I suggested they bring in mechanical pencils, or a handheld sharpener from home. If these suggestions didn't work, I figured they could just gnaw on their pencils to sharpen them.

Finally I purchased Sharpener #5 The Boston Ranger 55

This thing has been a dream. It's so much quieter than the others, and you can't take the shavings collector thing off and sharpen super stubby pencils. That has impacted the social order (the short the pencil you can write with the cooler you are or something), but my life is happier. I actually purchased 2 of them, and now that the first one has made it a month, I figure I'm set for at least the rest of the school year. Huzzah!!!

The Search is Over

There are lots of great memories from living at Sheila's, but oddly enough one of them is this kitchen utensil. I vividly remember using it to to mix up brownies and watched Chele mash avocados into guacamole with it on Mexican nights. I'm sure that my overall love for food has helped create the positive associations... I hadn't thought about this for a while, but a few weeks I dreamed I was cooking and I was using this utensil to mix cookies.

So you can imagine my joy when I found it online this morning. Aptly named the Stainless Steel Fantastic Food Fork  it's available online for just a few dollars. I think I'll try finding one at the thrift stores before I pay the "big money" but I'm glad it's available when I decide I absolutely can't live without it. :-)

I am a Genius!!!

Today I set up Kathryn's Netflix account to play through Janet's Wii. Historically I have always had to hook up the computer with an S cable and then some audio cables through a converter box since our TV is an antique that doesn't have the audio-video inputs. Needless to say, it just took me reading a manual, searching the Internet and then a little luck and it all worked out perfectly. I am now watching Phineas and Ferb season 2 without having to move to start a new episode. Sigh... This is the life!!!

Vegas's Swamp Cooler

On our way home we decided to try to see a Cirque de Solei show in Vegas. Our plans were foiled because they weren't having a show that day. As a consolation we decided to watch the Bellagio fountain and be on our way. In my mind the fountain is just a humidifier. When the show is going, the temperature around it drops noticeably, just like a swamp cooler.

While were were waiting we saw a family of adorable little ducklings swimming around the pool. But the minute the pipes started coming up they were no where to be found. I couldn't help but wonder if the show was a fun event for the little guys or the stuff of nightmares.

After the show the little ducks were in the middle of the pool looking for dinner so I guess they like the show. Too bad, I was hoping one of them would have a strange unexplainable tick or an eye twitch.

The Favorite Haunts

As is always the case I went to some of my favorite places for some of my favorite foods. A stawberry shake at Harbor House Cafe. (Sorry I didn't take a picture...) Here's a place holder...

Then there was of course a visit to Seal Beach where there are never any seals. The sand here is not of the caliber of Coronado, but that's OK. It's the beach I consider home.



 We went to the Los Angeles Temple and visited the renovated visitors center. Notice the background of the Christus statue is star free. This one really reflects the location, and I like it.

 Thought I'd take a picture of the tree because it's so cool!

Of course we went to Tito's Tacos and got all meat burritos with cheese with chips and salsa. I love their salsa!! Sigh... so many good memories!

After eating we made our way up to Griffith Park. I walked around the whole building looking for hiding autobots and was severly disappointed not to find any.

However not to let that ruin the activity I did the next best thing and got my picture taken with a few of my favorite astronomers. Galileo and Copernicus. I had tied my pant legs up at the beach and forgot to let them back down to cover up my Ruprecht calves. Kind of embarrassed about that, but since this site isn't for the viewing of the general public I figure it's OK.

We finished off the day with dinner at my cousins' house where I got to meet my Evil Twins son. Since E.T. is really my cousin I guess her son is my 1st cousin once removed, but since twins are siblings I prefer to call him my or cous-phew. Yet again I wasn't bright enough to take any pictures, but like all the other offspring from our generation he's super cute!

Cake Decorating Class with Sheila

While we were there Sheila was asked to make a cake for someone's 18th birthday party. As a result I got to see someone work with fondant, which is a heck of a lot better than watching people do cakes on TV. Anyway, Sheila was given this picture (link) and told to change the pink to red and not put anything on the top. This is the process it went through.

First you crumb coat the cake. Then you knead the fondant and roll it out. After it's all rolled out nice and even you put the cake on a lazy susan and drape the fondant over it. All that's left is to shape it around the cake.

This happened with all of the levels. We were all pretty concerned about the cake looking unbalanced because of the sharp white top and the bottom levels being red. Sheila added some white spheres to help tie it together. She also got some gel stuff to add some texture to the stark white top.



It still need something to tie it all together so she added a band of white and then put on the zebra strips. The final product was this.

Looks pretty impressive doesn't it.

My Much Needed Get Away to LA

This week was spring break and following true spring break tradition I escaped the fridged north and headed to the warm, sunny south. Melinda and I decided the trip was in order on Wednesday and on Friday morning while we were packing the car we were still without a place to stay. However Sheila called me while I was at school and told us we could stay at her house. So as soon as school was over we were on our way.

How did we spend our time in LA? Well, we went to San Diego on Saturday. I did a session at the temple while Melinda went and visited some of here old mission haunts. After we took pictures at the temple. I was going for spires as horns and ended up with the trees making me look like I have Princess Leia hair. But of course I found that entertaining. :-)

After that we headed down to the renovated Mormon Battalion in Old Town. It is now a completely interactive experience. There are talking pictures (very Hogwarts) and you move from room to room while they tell the story of the Mormon Battalion leaving Iowa, getting outfitted at Fort Leavenworth, the hike, and then the stationing in San Diego. At the end of the tour you can have your picture taken as an honorary member of the Battalion and then email it to yourself. They print it too from a printer hidden in a trunk. :-) Don't we look cool! 

After we got out of the Battalion, we went to the beach by the Hotel del Coronado. Beaches at the fancy places are always nicer than the regular beaches. The sand was whiter and finer than normal and therefore looks better in wedding pictures. The sand felt great between my toes and the ocean water was satisfiably cold. And the sunset was beautiful.

As we exited the beach I saw this lovely street painting. Apparently it's the entrance for the Church of the Beach. Wonder what their Easter services are going to look like this year.

Rainbow Peep-Kabob

Dina yet again supplied me with a new peep product to try - this lovely rainbow peep-kabob. Already skewed for roasting they would have been perfect for peep brulees, but no fire was available at the moment of consumption. They were good none the less.

Addition to the Family

My electronics family had a new addition this week. A laser printer!!!His name is Brother. This is what he looks like. Isn't he cute? Yeah... I got him yesterday. He was only $70. I had to call my sister to talk me out of getting the newer model with wireless capabilities so I could print from the comfort of my bed, but it was an $80 dollar feature in price comparison. Hopefully he'll make friends with the iPod and computers and DVD players that are also part of the family... :-)

My Peeps Product Present Easter 2011

Unlike other people in the world, I'm a lover of the peeps. Don't ask me why, but I think their sugary preserved goodness is so good. I mean, can you really go wrong with peep brulees? I didn't think so... Anyway, my friend Dina gets me new peeps products to try when she comes across them. She has gotten me mousse flavored moose for Christmas which I really like, and last year I got a chocolate covered peeps which wasn't that great. This year, the mystery product is Peep Flavored Pops. It promises some wonderfully awful sensations for my taste buds. I'll be sure to report on how it goes.

Government Mandated Jet-Lag

I hate the time change!!! I never experienced the time change until I moved to California. I have never gotten used to the semi-annual time change. It's a lot like jet-lag, and I seriously dislike jet-lag. I don't understand why the government mandates we go through jet-lag twice a year. What does it really do for the world anyway? Kids are exhausted at school, teachers are out of it... It's just annoying!!! I wish it would stop.

How did it know?

Yesterday I was in the electronics section at Wal-Mart looking for a print cartridge for the printer when I was distracted by the hockey game showing on the wall of TVs. I've been thinking about an upgrade to HD, so I let myself stay distracted. They are all just so shiny and the resolution is so nice. I stood there for a while marveling at human ingenuity and our ability to make amazing things even more amazing. I mean, come on, hockey is amazing, and TV is super cool when you really think about how it works, but hockey on an awesomely cool TV with clear crisp images. Sigh... It's just breathtaking in scope. I came home excited to watch the rest of the game even if it's just on the old clunky TV we have but that wasn't in the cards. For some reason, I can't get my TV to show images from the antenna anymore. I can hear everything just fine, but there is no pictures. I can watch DVDs though, so I'm baffled by what's going on. I think it knew I was considering replacing it and is throwing a tantrum. And if it thinks it's going to earn points this way, it has another thing coming...


UPDATE at 8:30PM 3/13/2011
I reset the digital converter box thing and we have picture again. I know... very exciting... you will all sleep better now...

It was a good idea in theory...

I love 3 Musketeers. The fluffy chocolaty goodness makes me happy. I also love marshmallows of all kinds, shapes and varieties (well except those coconut ones - blech!) So you can imagine my joy at finding these little babies in the Easter candy options at Wal-Mart. It had so much promise and I was excited to partake of the imagined yummy goodness.

I ripped open the bag on my way to the car sure that it would taste divine only to be thoroughly disappointed. It was just off... too sweet, not fluffy enough... oh well...

My New LDSMingle Profile

I updated my profile today. Honestly, I think it's the best one I've written yet. Here it is:

I have been serving in the Young Women (YW) presidency of my ward for close to a year now. It has been almost 20 years since I was in YW myself and I'm starting to suspect that Heavenly Father gave me this calling so I could get a refresher since I have been unsuccessful in finding an eternal companion. That's what YW lessons seem to talk about every single week. Though I enjoy discussing eternal marriage and women's roles in the gospel, it's getting depressing having a weekly reminder of that my childhood dreams of marriage and family have yet to be realized. I have a strong testimony of the eternal nature of family, and have always had a desire to create a home centered on gospel principles.

Of course I haven't been sitting around bemoaning my singlehood every minute of every hour of every day for years waiting for the guy who will realize how incredibly super cool (and entertaining) eternity will be with me to arrive on the scene. I have a degree in Civil Engineering and worked in engineering for a few years, but quickly became disenchanted with it. I explored a number of occupations before settling on teaching. I taught overseas for several years in Russia and Taiwan and to the shock of my engineering family members even wrote English as a Foreign Language textbooks. I might be the first engineer turned English grammar guru in the world, which is kind of exciting. I currently teach 5th grade and love it. And if I didn't love it, I would find something new that I did love to spend my days doing.

I enjoy doing a lot of things. I am accomplished in all of the general domestic tasks like cooking, sewing and cleaning but I'm not crafty so I do not own a hot-glue gun. I like watching movies and reading books and critiquing both of them. I clear my head by writing in my journal and on my blog. I take great joy in finding the perfect word that will communicate my thoughts with exactness, especially if the best word is a personized hybrid word like "ungoodlyness". But, I also love a good sporting event, especially if it's hockey. Regardless of what the activity is, if I can spend it with good people having a quality conversation, I'm happy. I always enjoy a good gospel discussion and like serving in the church. I also attend the temple regularly.

Though I am celebrated for having transitioned from engineer to "normal" person successfully, I do have relapses into geekness. I also have a quick and sarcastic wit that sometimes gets me in trouble. Believe me, I know how to say I'm sorry and ask for forgiveness, and am grateful to have friends who forgive me for the stupid things I say. I'm looking for someone to journey and laugh through life with that will patiently help me become better and who will listen when I talk and talk so I can listen.

What do you think?

Hopefully the Worst Is Over

I have been crying for months!! I was crying before the inevitable day of doom when Jeremy said good-bye for good. It's getting increasingly difficult for me to let go of my pseudo-relationships because, as I have been reminded day in and day out since Dec 21, not having a best guy friend to bum around with is really, really lonely. What I find most interesting about the whole thing is that we weren't even dating!!! I mean, if we weren't dating, why did it feel exactly like what I imagine a break-up to feel like? After all, according to all the guys who have not officially dated me I've never officially been on a date. We just participated in activities that resembled dates, which can only be distinguished from a real date by the label given the evening by the participants. Are you confused? Yeah... so am I. Basically, I've technically never had a boyfriend so I've technically never experienced a break-up. It's all quite stupid to me, but I guess the bottom line is that I should refuse future invitation to participate in date like activities unless the other party specifically agrees that it will be a date. Then, if nothing else, I'll be able to say that I've been on a date. And that will be a good step in the right direction.

Ellie from Up

I have decided that I'm like Ellie from Up. Sure, she's only in the first 15 minutes of the movie, but they did such a good job creating her that I feel like I'm like her. The similarities start with the impressive goofy looking stage complete with messy hair called childhood and continue from there. Ellie saw the good in others and strove to make others feel accepted and comfortable. She was intrigued by adventure and had big dreams for life even as a child. But since adventure rarely simply comes knocking, she turned whatever she was doing into an adventure. She must have been charismatic to get Carl on-board with her schemes and plans. Though not all of her dreams became a reality she did the best to replace them with new dreams. In the end, she had put together a life of happiness and her own kind of adventure. I guess I can hope for nothing more, and certainly want nothing less. I'm just still hoping to find someone who will join my club...

Book Review: My Fake Boyfriend is Better Than Yours

I took advantage of the read-a-thon to read. Yes, I realize that I passed up on a significant amount of "get things done while the kids are busy" time by making that choice, but honestly, I desperately needed to participate in an activity with my students where I didn't need to manage and maintain anything so I could like them again. (5th grade gets drama ridden with friend factions and it wears on my sanity sometimes...) So I picked up My Fake Boyfriend is Better Than Yours and started reading.

As promised, it was filled with tween angst as Tori and her best friend Sienna engaged in a one-upping war with made-up boyfriends. Sadly, Tori's ability to lie so easily about her imaginary life really hit close to home. I have participated in the same behavior, however, everyone knew it was all completely out of my head. I also related to the part where Tori used her knowledge of the Internet to track down the real boy who had her fake boyfriend's name through social networking sites. Yeah... I've done that too. So, in many ways, I felt like I was reading an imaginary autobiography of my life, but it would have covered the years 25-30 instead of two weeks when I was twelve.

With only 178 pages, decent sized type and healthy margins, it was a fast read. The twists and turns were predictable, but the writing style flowed pretty well. Some of my favorite lines were:

"I got a big glob of vampy black [nail polish] on the right shoulder of my shirt in an unfortunate hand-waving/nail-blowing incident."

"It's completely unfair to just hate a person and not tell them."

"This was beginning to feel a little too High School Musical."

"News of my gorgeous famous fake boyfriend spread like mono at a game of Spin the Bottle."

Random Thoughts on Seuss...

I have collected all of my Dr. Seuss stuffed animals that I've bought through Kohl's Cares to take in to school tomorrow for Dr. Seuss's birthday. We're having a read-a-thon for the last 2 hours or so of school. It should be fun enough, but sometimes kids aren't into just straight reading, it's like Jim Crafton's sugar saturated kool-aid and needs to be diluted to be drinkable. Therefore I shall take in my roommates Dr. Seuss video which has Sneetches on Beaches and The Lorax (I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees) and some other favorites to mix in with the reading so they don't go into some kind of coma.

Anyway, all the Seuss-ing it makes nostalgic for the good old days and can't help but get me thinking about all my favorite Dr. Seuss books. He has a book for every occasion, and a moral to every book. Oh The Places You'll Go inspired me to make some unconventional choices in my life. I first heard it read at my friend Sara's high school graduation. We graduated in 1992, the same school year Dr. Seuss passed away. And when I got to one of those places (Tiawan), another book, Green Eggs and Ham, with it's fantastic preposition usage totally saved my life. Have I Ever Told You How Lucky You Are? reminds me to keep things in perspective - I'm glad I'm not an i dotter, or a t crosser in a factory! Then there's Wacky Wednesday, the predecessor to Where's Waldo, and much more enjoyable because the pictures change - but Waldo's shirt does look like the hat of a certain cat... From Horton to Bartholomew and McElligot's Pool to Mulberry Street, Dr. Seuss has some great characters and some readable lines. And Oh, the Thinks You Can Think when you're reading a Seuss book, or just thinking about the impact an author has had on your life. But maybe that's just me...

Indiana Girls

A facebook-friend posted this on her wall:

Tough girls come from New York, Sweet girls come from Texas, and Barbie girls come from California, but we INDIANA GIRLS have fire & ice in our blood! We can be a princess, throw a left hook, love football, pack heat, hang with the boys, bake a cake, love with passion and if we have an opinion - you KNOW you're gonna hear it!!

What does it mean if you've lived in Indiana, California and Texas?

I get Monday off, so of course I'm sick!!

The problem with working in education is that children are carrier monkeys for illness and disease.  At least one of them is sick every day of the week, and several of them get sick through the course of the day. It's a losing battle. Since we are a hands-on experience driven school instead of a textbook school, if a student is not at school, it is nothing short of a nightmare to get them caught up. But, when they come sick, infection spreads. In the past few weeks I've had students diagnosed with walking pneumonia, pink eye, stomach flu the common cold, and a fun variety of additional bugs, and they share all of those germs with each other and me. My hands are dry cracked and bleeding from the amount of times I was them, but it wasn't enough to save me from whatever I have now. It started with a scratchy throat this morning and then the queasy stomach started and last came the chills. I passed out on the couch around 3:30PM and just woke up about an hour ago. Will I be able to sleep tonight? Probably not... Will I be healthy again by Monday to enjoy my day off? I have no idea... Oh well, let the good times roll...

The Closer the Friend, the Easier it is to be Happy...

My friend Melinda called me last night to tell me she was engaged. (FYI, it's not my roommate Melinda, it's Taiwan Melinda - completely different Melinda...) I actually knew what she was calling to tell me the minute I heard the phone ringing. That preparation certainly helped. As she told me her news it was easy to tell her congratulations and be happy for her. Yes, I admit I felt that temporary sadness, but it was back to a fleeting thought and passed quickly, just like it's supposed to. Since I'm her friend and we've discussed our hopes and dreams and disappointments with life's unexpected unkindness, my sadness was replaced with hopefulness for my future.

As a result of this experience, I've decided that the better friends I am with a person, the easier it is for me to be happy about engagement news. It makes psychological sense, and certainly makes me feel like less of a selfish loser. Thank goodness for that... it's not fun to feel all losery about yourself!

Do Dress Codes Stunt Expression or Teach Kids How to Respectfully Function in Society?

Today I laid in bed staring at the clothes in my closet bemoaning the Entheos dress code. I knew I wanted to go to the temple after church, but it was also spirit week. I mixed and matched my clothes and all I could think about was my denim skirt with the diamond pattern. It's a nice skirt, and would be perfect for the day. However, denim is totally outside the dress code that specifies we have to dress to the level of the kids (polo and khakis) or better. Additionally, the rules for spirit week specifically said, "NO DENIM!" I miss the days of casual Friday, and even more the days when I could were whatever I wanted.

I started thinking about it though. My students are used to a dress code. Some of them try to fight it, but they conform. In Taiwan the kids never thought twice about their dress codes, in fact when we tried to get them to debate the topic, they always wanted to argue for the dress code because it made sense. My mom talked about having to adhere to dress codes in school, in fact she always had to wear a skit, and I've never heard my dad complain to have a casual Friday.

As I was thinking about all these ideas and facts, I came to the conclusion that when they did away with the dress codes in school, the students stopped seeing the need for outfits to fit occupations. All the older engineers I've worked with wore suits to work every day, regardless of what the day was. Now my question is, has that deterioration of structure also contribute to the disrespect that is running rampant in the school system? Has giving them so much freedom to express themselves created a generation that thinks that anything that doesn't allow that expression is an infringement on their rights? I don't know for sure... but I'm thinking the answer might be yes...

Ice Skating with the Youth

Last night I got to go ice skating. It was plenty fun because 1) it was free and 2) I didn't have to drive. It was the combined young women/young men activity. It took a great deal of time to get the kids all into cars and over to the rink. I didn't take long for me to get my feet into a pair of hockey skates and take to the ice. However, it did take some time to get accustomed to being on skates again. I remember being surprised though when I realized how comfortable I was skating again. I got home super late though. That made today long and difficult. At least it's over, but I'm blogging instead of grading... not the best choice I guess, but what do you expect from a sleep deprived teacher? Sleep deprived teachers are notorious for bad decisions. :-)

Stop the Complaining Already!

Last Sunday Janet hosted a dinner group from her ward. Janet is an amazing cook, and she did a Thai spread. Honesty, it was amazing. All the girls in the group cancelled on her, and they had all been given assignments for the meal. As a result, she was looking for people to come and people to help with the cooking. Of course I volunteered to help when my plans fell through.

All the boys showed up and Melinda and I tried to help them make their dishes. Then the girls showed up. That's when it got obnoxious. Apparently, there are lots of rumors in the singles ward about the Bishop planning to lecture the girls about the complaining. What are they complaining about? The normal stuff. They complain about the boys not asking them out, they complain about the boys in general, they complain that they are expected to ask the boys out, they complain that they are expected to accept the dates from boys they aren't interested in.

I admit I hate the negative bitterness, and it a major factor in me leaving the singles ward, but when they were just complaining I was willing to tolerate it. However everything changed when we sat down at the table to eat. One of the girls turned to one of the guys and asked him to remind her what his name was and then the barrage of questions started. "Are you dating? Why aren't you dating? Who do you want to date?" It was so awkward and accusatory that I was embarrassed. Then I glanced up at the guy. His head was down and there was a look of shock mixed with extreme discomfort on his face as he hastily shoveled food into his mouth to avoid having to respond. My heart just went out to the poor guy, and I had a teacher moment. I'm not sure if it came across as correction or as a lecture, but I said that it was no wonder guys in the ward weren't dating if this is how the girls treat them. I pointed out that they had signed up for group dinners to meet people, but instead of meeting people and building relationships the way they were acting was simply rude. The table went silent, but the complaining stopped.

Eventually they started talking again, but the conversation was filled with jabs directed at me. I didn't really care, the guy seated next to me was really nice and we had a very polite conversation. I'm sure I'm on someone's list now. I'm sure I'll survive. Besides, it felt good to finally say what I was thinking instead of tolerating an impolite conversation I wasn't interested in.

Sadness for Me vs. Happiness for Them - Which will win in the end?

Another acquaintance has announced their engagement, and for the first time in my life I cannot bury my sadness for myself with my happiness for her. I've never had this happen before. There has always been a momentary analysis of my own situation, but I have always been able to push aside my feelings and found joy in the other's situation. This time... yeah... it didn't happen. I'm still trying to crawl out from under the weight of the depressing thoughts and be excited for someone else. Hopefully it'll pass... and soon...

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!

Today is the first year of the lunar new year, so for those procrastinators out there this is the back-up time for all those new year's resolutions you didn't make. Of course, if you miss this one, just wait until school starts in August and try again. I think I'm going to opt for that option. :-)

Last year was the year of the tiger, and as a tiger I found it to be quite disappointing. I'm not sure how the year of the rabbit is supposed to work out for me, but I don't remember totally despising 25. Hum... That's the year I was introduced to hockey. That was a good relationship... so maybe good things are going to come my way. Here's hoping!!!

Ice Cream is an Indicator of Happiness

I ate some ice cream today. I haven't had ice cream in a long time... too long. We bought ice cream in November, and it has sat in the freezer for months without being touched. But today I wanted ice cream. I think it's because I only want ice cream when I'm happy. Since I haven't been happy for several months, I haven't craved ice cream. But today I wanted ice cream, mint chocolate chip ice cream, and it tasted really, really good. :-) I guess I'm feeling happy again.

Overcoming Fixed Mindedness in Online Dating

Principal 4.0 read a book about growth vs. fixed mindsets and regularly points out that I'm a person with a fixed mindset. All in all, I don't mind that much. (According to 4.0, all engineers are fixed minded.) I find psychology interesting and in general, I don't think I'm unbalanced. (I'm sure others might disagree. :-) ) However, in the dating game I have realized that being aware of my fixed mindedness is valuable.

Let me try to explain. I've had a lifetime membership to LDSMingle.com for over 10 years (it's a good story, but not the story I'm telling here). On the website, there is a compatibility section on your profile where you list out what you are looking for based on provided criteria. Whenever I read a profile, that's the page that always takes the wind out of my sails. I can read through a guys introduction and interests and think "Yeah, we could be great together!" But then I get to the compatibility page and see he's only looking for someone between the ages of 28 and 34 and since I'm older than that I close my web browser and go eat some chocolate. Regardless of how cool I think he is, I can't bring myself to bother him because I'm not what he's looking for.

That is such a fixed minded way of thinking (I think). You look at a list and say, "I don't meet that so I won't try." The growth minded people would look at that and say, "Huh, now I know where negotiations start."

So I'm trying to be less fixed minded in my dating efforts. There are a few guys I've been interested in getting to know for a few months but I haven't sent anything because I saw myself only for what I wasn't, not what I am. I finally sent them stuff this weekend. *Sigh* It's hard stepping out of the comfort zone and going against the brain patterns. But let's face it, anyone would be lucky to get to know me, right? Regardless of if there is a love connection or not, if they go to my profile they will at least be entertained because it's pretty fantastic. Who knows though... I'm going to hope for the best!

Hatsuharu's Week at the Spa

Hatsuharu spent this week at the spa (aka body shop) getting that metal strip between the windshield and the door on his passenger side fixed. It was from the injury he incurred during the run-in with the sheriff's mailbox way back in October of 2008. Yes, it has taken that long to get the him repaired. He now has a shiny new paint job and is rust free on the passenger side. And, he has a new new new windshield because the shop broke it while they were removing it before repairing him. On the up-side, I didn't have to get the rock chip repaired. :-) Oh yeah... Anyway, that gives Hatsuharu a new windshield for every year I've been in Utah. They threw in a car wash too. Hatsuharu feels and smells like a new car. *sigh* How I love him. :-)

Children and Religious Revival

The other day Melinda and I were watching Anita Renfroe's (A More Real) Love Story video and it sparked a discussion about baby sitters. When I was a teenager I babysat for people who went to my church, and all my friends got hooked up with their baby sitting jobs through church. It was financially advantageous for us to go to church because baby sitting was lucrative. Melinda asked, "Where do you find baby sitters if you don't go to church?" We decided this is the real reason parents seek religion after the birth of a child. Desperate for baby sitters, couples return seek out religion so they can go on dates. This is especially true when the isn't family around to watch the kids. Just a thought...

Clueless Truth

Remember the cheesy movie Clueless with Alicia Silverstone? I have realized the past few weeks that there is some amount of truth to her theory that better grades come from happier teachers. My students know nothing of my non-break-up. Actually, they knew nothing about my non-dating either but that's not important. The important thing is that since I've been unhappy, their lives have been more miserable. Too bad they aren't old enough to meddle, it might help them have more enjoyable school experience.

NetFlix has all the answers...

I love NetFlix! I have endless hours of entertainment available with no waiting, or driving. With just the click of a mouse I can watch old TV shows without the bother of commercial interruptions. NetFlix has gotten me through the past month and will probably get me through a few more as I try to find a new boy-friend to hang out with. Technology... it fills the loneliness. :-)

Anyway... Since I finished Eureka season 3.5 I've been watching Pushing Daisies. This led me to a startling realization this morning - I am not destined to be single forever! (Insert singing angels sound here.) I'll either die in a tragic accident or I'll get married. "How can I be so sure of this?" you ask. Well, single aunts always come in sets. "My two single aunts live together with their cats." Here are some examples:

Lily & Vivian from Pushing Daisies
Patty & Selma from the Simpsons

Two examples from the truth filled files of television, I rest my case. So since Pippin is married, I can't end up the single - single old aunt. It's just not possible. The only way for a girl to end up a single - single aunt in a family is after she is divorced or widowed. It gives me hope!

Oh, and if you have any counter examples to blow this fragiley constructed theory out of the water - keep it to yourself. I'm finally seeing a silver lining on the loneliness cloud of an ended relationship and it's radiating from my TV set. I believe everything I learn from TV. (Yes... that was sarcasm!)

My Life Needs Choreography

My life has always had background music. I like background music. It keeps things interesting, and it makes me feel like my life is good enough to be a movie. However, if my life is going to be a good movie, it needs some choreography, and some good blocking. I've decided that's what's lacking in my life. I realized this when I was watching the Eureka episode where Jack and Tess level-up their relationship from awkward "I like you ness" to "we're a couple-ness." It happened instantly and the change was all about blocking. Maybe that's why all my relationships end, I'm bad at blocking... and I'm not a good dancer either. That's what I need to work on in order for my life to end up as a good movie... or even a sitcom. I'd be happy with a sitcom.

A Well Deserved Night Out

I have fantastic roommates. Last night the four of us went out to Cucina Toscana for Melinda's birthday dinner. Melinda did my hair and I got to wear my new shirt that I got on clearance. The food was fabulous, the service was excellent, and the company was thoroughly enjoyable. I looked good too. :-)

Dragon Affairs...

I saw this bumper sticker in the church parking lot. It says:

MEDDLE NOT IN THE AFFAIRS OF DRAGONS
for you are crunchy and good with ketchup

It made me laugh. :-)

If only we could call Honesty I.E.P. meetings for people who need additional help...

I had a dream the other night about the break-up and I have to post something about it. However, to understand the dream, I need to share some explanation about why Jeremy broke up with me. Well, he has never told his parents that we went to Taiwan together. In fact, his mother asked him point blank if he went to Taiwan with me and he said, "No." Yeah... that's lying. I continue to be baffled by his decision to not tell his parents we went on a trip. NOTHING HAPPENED! We stayed at friends houses in separate rooms and were pretty well chaperoned the whole time. Not that it mattered, it's not like he tried to kiss me, EVER. Anywhay, I haven't seen his family since Memorial day, and as Christmas was approaching I got nervous about the idea. What was I going to do if they asked me questions about the trip? If I told the truth, Jeremy would hate me. If I lied, I'd hate myself.

So, to summarize the break-up, I told Jeremy he was dishonest and that he needed to work on it. As a response, he was unwilling to discuss it and decided it would be easier to never talk to me again. Of course I'm never OK with not being heard, and my subconscious is having a horrible time with it, and it's all coming out in my dreams.

I dreamed that Jeremy was complaining about me and it ended up getting to the bishop of his ward. The bishop decided to investigate and contacted me through my roommates to come in for a meeting. I showed up with a manila folder that was filled with documentation about Jeremy's forgotten promises and outright lies. The bishop was at the head of the table, Jeremy and his parents sat on one side, and I sat on the other.

Jeremy just sat there glaring at me. I asked him if he wanted to come clean, but he wouldn't say anything. So, I began to present my evidence. "Last Easter Jeremy didn't go to Chad's, he was in Montana visiting my family, and he did go to Taiwan with me. That vase that he told you I got him in Taiwan, yeah... he bought it. I just gave advice on coloring." The evidence was irrefutable and as a result, I was vindicated.

I woke up feeling like I had just sat through an I.E.P. meeting, an Honesty I.E.P. For those of you not in the education business, I.E.P.s are individualized education plans. They are for students who qualify for additional help. The meetings are where the student, parents, teachers and specialists sit down and set goals together. If there had been a goal setting section for Jeremy's Honesty I.E.P. it would have been something like, "I will tell the truth with 100% accuracy, 100% of the time, even to me parents... especially to my parents."

Of course, if he had been willing to discuss setting a goal like that for his life we might still be talking to each other. But he's not willing, and we're not talking, and I know neither of us are really better off for it. I know some of you think I'm better off without him, but for me there is still enough sadness to not be 100%convinced of that yet, and for me honesty is the best policy.

Ah... A Fortune that Makes Sense...

Your judgement is a little off at this time. Rely on friends.

Story Idea Thievery!

When I lived in California I created a whole alternative reality filled with "imaginary boyfriends" and would sell its ok-ness by saying "Imaginary Dating is the wave of the future!" So you can imagine how robbed I felt when I picked up the Scholastic Book Orders for this month and saw the title My Fake Boyfriend is Better than Yours. That's right, someone has hijacked my life... I mean, idea. The fact that it was released on my birthday only added fuel to my fire. It's like the author is rubbing it in my face. (Yes, I have an overactive imagination... duh!!!)

I haven't read it yet, but I have ordered it. I'm sure it's filled with tween angst, drama and jealousy. It's gonna be a great!

I Can See!!!

I've been having problems seeing recently. I can see well enough to do most things, but things far away have been really blurry, and driving at night has been a real chore. The headlights all blur together and I can't see the white lines separating the lanes. Yeah... Not a good idea to be a passenger in my car.

Anyway, this morning I decided to try something new. I got out my "newer" glasses that I bought in Taiwan. I can hear you ask, "Why haven't you been wearing your newer glasses?" Well, I got them and they said it was the exact same prescription as my old glasses, but they gave me headaches. So I wore them all day and didn't have a headache. I could see things clearly too, no more of that fuzzy impressionistic stuff. We'll see how they handle the dark tomorrow when I drive to work. Hopefully all will be well.

Car Shopping with Melinda

Car shopping with Melinda is no easy task. There was a check list with over 20 items, and we completed it for every car we test drove. Items included comfort of the headrest, the visors, trunk space, cruise control, windshield wipers, auto lights, were the speedometer was placed on the dash, external temperature display... And all of the questions were answered for all of the cars which included - Camry, Corrollo, Sonata, Galant, Mazada6, Altima, Fusion, Maxima several in various years and models. We tried to drive an Accord too, but it just never worked out. Yeah... The best part is that is was all done in the freezing cold of the Utah winter. Luckily, she decided on a car today and made the purchase. Signing the paperwork took a considerable amount of time too because she has lots of questions and gets really anxious about things. I'm just glad that it's all taken care of... well, almost... we have to go back on Monday to pick it up after it has been detailed. I'm just happy I got an ice scraper and a key chain out of the deal. :-) I didn't even buy a car.

Classical Flashback

I was driving home from the temple last night listening to the local classical music station. They were playing a piece from Beethoven's Opera Leonore. It was a live performance and on several occasions someone in the audience coughed. I felt pain for the poor person because I've been there. During college a group of us went to see Jesus Christ Superstar. I was fighting a cold and tried to cough only during the loud parts. Unfortunately, my timing was off and I coughed incredibly loud one beat after the crescendo. It was so embarrassing, especially when several audience members laughed. I'm just relieved my mishap wasn't at a recorded performance. Otherwise, my cough would be documented for posterity, and that would be uber embarrassing.

Many unhappy returns...

Break-ups suck!!! One day you have someone to text all your silly observations and thoughts to and the next your stuck with only your own insanity to entertain you. Break-ups before holidays just aren't fair. This year I had Christmas and birthday gifts all wrapped up and ready to go, but they were not to be received. I put them all in a box and it has sat in the living room waiting for a miracle to occur for several days. But there was no Christmas miracle for me... I finally got over the sadness enough to start returning stuff this week, but I'm still unhappy about it. Every time I get to a store, I sit in the car and have to talk myself into going inside. I almost started crying when I was talking to a cashier yesterday, her parting words were "Good luck." Some things can't be returned and I'm not sure what to do with them... And, returning items is just going to return my living room to normal, who knows when I'll return to normal...

An Engineering Mind

I went to Tooele and visited Ann Bluemlien-Herron a roommate from my college days at Purdue. We watched several youtube clips from An Engineering Mind. (I linked you in to my favorite episode.) While we were watching I realized how far I have come from the engineering world of my youth. I mean... I've worked in marketing and sales, and I've even written English books. You can't get any less engineer than that, engineers aren't supposed to know how the English language works, let alone teach others how it works. Sigh... It's making me question where I truly belong in the world.