Overcoming Fixed Mindedness in Online Dating

Principal 4.0 read a book about growth vs. fixed mindsets and regularly points out that I'm a person with a fixed mindset. All in all, I don't mind that much. (According to 4.0, all engineers are fixed minded.) I find psychology interesting and in general, I don't think I'm unbalanced. (I'm sure others might disagree. :-) ) However, in the dating game I have realized that being aware of my fixed mindedness is valuable.

Let me try to explain. I've had a lifetime membership to LDSMingle.com for over 10 years (it's a good story, but not the story I'm telling here). On the website, there is a compatibility section on your profile where you list out what you are looking for based on provided criteria. Whenever I read a profile, that's the page that always takes the wind out of my sails. I can read through a guys introduction and interests and think "Yeah, we could be great together!" But then I get to the compatibility page and see he's only looking for someone between the ages of 28 and 34 and since I'm older than that I close my web browser and go eat some chocolate. Regardless of how cool I think he is, I can't bring myself to bother him because I'm not what he's looking for.

That is such a fixed minded way of thinking (I think). You look at a list and say, "I don't meet that so I won't try." The growth minded people would look at that and say, "Huh, now I know where negotiations start."

So I'm trying to be less fixed minded in my dating efforts. There are a few guys I've been interested in getting to know for a few months but I haven't sent anything because I saw myself only for what I wasn't, not what I am. I finally sent them stuff this weekend. *Sigh* It's hard stepping out of the comfort zone and going against the brain patterns. But let's face it, anyone would be lucky to get to know me, right? Regardless of if there is a love connection or not, if they go to my profile they will at least be entertained because it's pretty fantastic. Who knows though... I'm going to hope for the best!

Hatsuharu's Week at the Spa

Hatsuharu spent this week at the spa (aka body shop) getting that metal strip between the windshield and the door on his passenger side fixed. It was from the injury he incurred during the run-in with the sheriff's mailbox way back in October of 2008. Yes, it has taken that long to get the him repaired. He now has a shiny new paint job and is rust free on the passenger side. And, he has a new new new windshield because the shop broke it while they were removing it before repairing him. On the up-side, I didn't have to get the rock chip repaired. :-) Oh yeah... Anyway, that gives Hatsuharu a new windshield for every year I've been in Utah. They threw in a car wash too. Hatsuharu feels and smells like a new car. *sigh* How I love him. :-)

Children and Religious Revival

The other day Melinda and I were watching Anita Renfroe's (A More Real) Love Story video and it sparked a discussion about baby sitters. When I was a teenager I babysat for people who went to my church, and all my friends got hooked up with their baby sitting jobs through church. It was financially advantageous for us to go to church because baby sitting was lucrative. Melinda asked, "Where do you find baby sitters if you don't go to church?" We decided this is the real reason parents seek religion after the birth of a child. Desperate for baby sitters, couples return seek out religion so they can go on dates. This is especially true when the isn't family around to watch the kids. Just a thought...

Clueless Truth

Remember the cheesy movie Clueless with Alicia Silverstone? I have realized the past few weeks that there is some amount of truth to her theory that better grades come from happier teachers. My students know nothing of my non-break-up. Actually, they knew nothing about my non-dating either but that's not important. The important thing is that since I've been unhappy, their lives have been more miserable. Too bad they aren't old enough to meddle, it might help them have more enjoyable school experience.

NetFlix has all the answers...

I love NetFlix! I have endless hours of entertainment available with no waiting, or driving. With just the click of a mouse I can watch old TV shows without the bother of commercial interruptions. NetFlix has gotten me through the past month and will probably get me through a few more as I try to find a new boy-friend to hang out with. Technology... it fills the loneliness. :-)

Anyway... Since I finished Eureka season 3.5 I've been watching Pushing Daisies. This led me to a startling realization this morning - I am not destined to be single forever! (Insert singing angels sound here.) I'll either die in a tragic accident or I'll get married. "How can I be so sure of this?" you ask. Well, single aunts always come in sets. "My two single aunts live together with their cats." Here are some examples:

Lily & Vivian from Pushing Daisies
Patty & Selma from the Simpsons

Two examples from the truth filled files of television, I rest my case. So since Pippin is married, I can't end up the single - single old aunt. It's just not possible. The only way for a girl to end up a single - single aunt in a family is after she is divorced or widowed. It gives me hope!

Oh, and if you have any counter examples to blow this fragiley constructed theory out of the water - keep it to yourself. I'm finally seeing a silver lining on the loneliness cloud of an ended relationship and it's radiating from my TV set. I believe everything I learn from TV. (Yes... that was sarcasm!)

My Life Needs Choreography

My life has always had background music. I like background music. It keeps things interesting, and it makes me feel like my life is good enough to be a movie. However, if my life is going to be a good movie, it needs some choreography, and some good blocking. I've decided that's what's lacking in my life. I realized this when I was watching the Eureka episode where Jack and Tess level-up their relationship from awkward "I like you ness" to "we're a couple-ness." It happened instantly and the change was all about blocking. Maybe that's why all my relationships end, I'm bad at blocking... and I'm not a good dancer either. That's what I need to work on in order for my life to end up as a good movie... or even a sitcom. I'd be happy with a sitcom.

A Well Deserved Night Out

I have fantastic roommates. Last night the four of us went out to Cucina Toscana for Melinda's birthday dinner. Melinda did my hair and I got to wear my new shirt that I got on clearance. The food was fabulous, the service was excellent, and the company was thoroughly enjoyable. I looked good too. :-)

Dragon Affairs...

I saw this bumper sticker in the church parking lot. It says:

MEDDLE NOT IN THE AFFAIRS OF DRAGONS
for you are crunchy and good with ketchup

It made me laugh. :-)

If only we could call Honesty I.E.P. meetings for people who need additional help...

I had a dream the other night about the break-up and I have to post something about it. However, to understand the dream, I need to share some explanation about why Jeremy broke up with me. Well, he has never told his parents that we went to Taiwan together. In fact, his mother asked him point blank if he went to Taiwan with me and he said, "No." Yeah... that's lying. I continue to be baffled by his decision to not tell his parents we went on a trip. NOTHING HAPPENED! We stayed at friends houses in separate rooms and were pretty well chaperoned the whole time. Not that it mattered, it's not like he tried to kiss me, EVER. Anywhay, I haven't seen his family since Memorial day, and as Christmas was approaching I got nervous about the idea. What was I going to do if they asked me questions about the trip? If I told the truth, Jeremy would hate me. If I lied, I'd hate myself.

So, to summarize the break-up, I told Jeremy he was dishonest and that he needed to work on it. As a response, he was unwilling to discuss it and decided it would be easier to never talk to me again. Of course I'm never OK with not being heard, and my subconscious is having a horrible time with it, and it's all coming out in my dreams.

I dreamed that Jeremy was complaining about me and it ended up getting to the bishop of his ward. The bishop decided to investigate and contacted me through my roommates to come in for a meeting. I showed up with a manila folder that was filled with documentation about Jeremy's forgotten promises and outright lies. The bishop was at the head of the table, Jeremy and his parents sat on one side, and I sat on the other.

Jeremy just sat there glaring at me. I asked him if he wanted to come clean, but he wouldn't say anything. So, I began to present my evidence. "Last Easter Jeremy didn't go to Chad's, he was in Montana visiting my family, and he did go to Taiwan with me. That vase that he told you I got him in Taiwan, yeah... he bought it. I just gave advice on coloring." The evidence was irrefutable and as a result, I was vindicated.

I woke up feeling like I had just sat through an I.E.P. meeting, an Honesty I.E.P. For those of you not in the education business, I.E.P.s are individualized education plans. They are for students who qualify for additional help. The meetings are where the student, parents, teachers and specialists sit down and set goals together. If there had been a goal setting section for Jeremy's Honesty I.E.P. it would have been something like, "I will tell the truth with 100% accuracy, 100% of the time, even to me parents... especially to my parents."

Of course, if he had been willing to discuss setting a goal like that for his life we might still be talking to each other. But he's not willing, and we're not talking, and I know neither of us are really better off for it. I know some of you think I'm better off without him, but for me there is still enough sadness to not be 100%convinced of that yet, and for me honesty is the best policy.

Ah... A Fortune that Makes Sense...

Your judgement is a little off at this time. Rely on friends.

Story Idea Thievery!

When I lived in California I created a whole alternative reality filled with "imaginary boyfriends" and would sell its ok-ness by saying "Imaginary Dating is the wave of the future!" So you can imagine how robbed I felt when I picked up the Scholastic Book Orders for this month and saw the title My Fake Boyfriend is Better than Yours. That's right, someone has hijacked my life... I mean, idea. The fact that it was released on my birthday only added fuel to my fire. It's like the author is rubbing it in my face. (Yes, I have an overactive imagination... duh!!!)

I haven't read it yet, but I have ordered it. I'm sure it's filled with tween angst, drama and jealousy. It's gonna be a great!

I Can See!!!

I've been having problems seeing recently. I can see well enough to do most things, but things far away have been really blurry, and driving at night has been a real chore. The headlights all blur together and I can't see the white lines separating the lanes. Yeah... Not a good idea to be a passenger in my car.

Anyway, this morning I decided to try something new. I got out my "newer" glasses that I bought in Taiwan. I can hear you ask, "Why haven't you been wearing your newer glasses?" Well, I got them and they said it was the exact same prescription as my old glasses, but they gave me headaches. So I wore them all day and didn't have a headache. I could see things clearly too, no more of that fuzzy impressionistic stuff. We'll see how they handle the dark tomorrow when I drive to work. Hopefully all will be well.

Car Shopping with Melinda

Car shopping with Melinda is no easy task. There was a check list with over 20 items, and we completed it for every car we test drove. Items included comfort of the headrest, the visors, trunk space, cruise control, windshield wipers, auto lights, were the speedometer was placed on the dash, external temperature display... And all of the questions were answered for all of the cars which included - Camry, Corrollo, Sonata, Galant, Mazada6, Altima, Fusion, Maxima several in various years and models. We tried to drive an Accord too, but it just never worked out. Yeah... The best part is that is was all done in the freezing cold of the Utah winter. Luckily, she decided on a car today and made the purchase. Signing the paperwork took a considerable amount of time too because she has lots of questions and gets really anxious about things. I'm just glad that it's all taken care of... well, almost... we have to go back on Monday to pick it up after it has been detailed. I'm just happy I got an ice scraper and a key chain out of the deal. :-) I didn't even buy a car.

Classical Flashback

I was driving home from the temple last night listening to the local classical music station. They were playing a piece from Beethoven's Opera Leonore. It was a live performance and on several occasions someone in the audience coughed. I felt pain for the poor person because I've been there. During college a group of us went to see Jesus Christ Superstar. I was fighting a cold and tried to cough only during the loud parts. Unfortunately, my timing was off and I coughed incredibly loud one beat after the crescendo. It was so embarrassing, especially when several audience members laughed. I'm just relieved my mishap wasn't at a recorded performance. Otherwise, my cough would be documented for posterity, and that would be uber embarrassing.

Many unhappy returns...

Break-ups suck!!! One day you have someone to text all your silly observations and thoughts to and the next your stuck with only your own insanity to entertain you. Break-ups before holidays just aren't fair. This year I had Christmas and birthday gifts all wrapped up and ready to go, but they were not to be received. I put them all in a box and it has sat in the living room waiting for a miracle to occur for several days. But there was no Christmas miracle for me... I finally got over the sadness enough to start returning stuff this week, but I'm still unhappy about it. Every time I get to a store, I sit in the car and have to talk myself into going inside. I almost started crying when I was talking to a cashier yesterday, her parting words were "Good luck." Some things can't be returned and I'm not sure what to do with them... And, returning items is just going to return my living room to normal, who knows when I'll return to normal...

An Engineering Mind

I went to Tooele and visited Ann Bluemlien-Herron a roommate from my college days at Purdue. We watched several youtube clips from An Engineering Mind. (I linked you in to my favorite episode.) While we were watching I realized how far I have come from the engineering world of my youth. I mean... I've worked in marketing and sales, and I've even written English books. You can't get any less engineer than that, engineers aren't supposed to know how the English language works, let alone teach others how it works. Sigh... It's making me question where I truly belong in the world.